First I must apologize for leaving all our followers with nothing fantastic to read but I’ve been busy with this thing we call ‘Life’, but we are back….
I have come to realize a few things about myself and my life since the last time I wrote. My life is like a colour by numbers where all the things around me have been coloured in but I have not. And I’m afraid that if someone was to colour me in I’d just fade into the background and well that is NOT where Sexxie belongs!
I’m allowing people to treat me like I am replaceable and like I have no value….and in turn I’m left feeling insecure, unwanted and worthless. I realize in my head somewhere that I deserve respect and am worth so much more than what I am getting, so why am I continuing to allow myself to go through the same shit over and over?
Let’s take ‘Lexington’ for instance…Nice guy…funny…appreciated that I wore a green lantern T-shirt on our first date…understood that I wasn’t going to sleep with him right away….appreciated that I am a single mother….was brave enough to join the kitchen table (once)….but turned out he wanted to be able to change things about me and well I am who I am. Needless to say that put the kibosh on that.
Now let’s talk ‘Lucia’….Smart….funny….hot….great smile….respectable…..great conversationalist (in person)….understanding….hardworking and dedicated….helpful….strong willed….knows what he wants out of life (this is where I don’t think I fit long-term)…..ultimately the guy you want and he says he is ‘into me’ and is ‘feeling me’ but wants ‘nothing serious’ because he is focusing on his schooling. I respect this completely and it’s kind of sexy but I’m left wondering why it is I can’t be part of all that. I wouldn’t want to take him from that. If anything I’d want to be there for him through that. I could be the person he vents to when he is stressed about it. The person he bounces ideas off of or the person he wants to spend time with when he just needs to get away from it all for a bit. I too am pretty busy working two jobs and raising my daughter so I am not expecting his full attention every night but I would love to know that he thinks about me, knows that I am here for him for more than sex on a friday night.
I guess I want to be someones long-term goal and not someones short-term goal. But I can’t help but think, maybe I keep meeting these guys that will never make me their ‘forever’ plan but merely their ‘for now’ plan because losing someone from ‘forever’ is much more heartbreaking then losing someone from ‘for now’.